Pursuant to common law and sense, this petition and decree was heard before the Honorable Judge Whipner, this Twenty-Fifth Day of November, 1997. The facts upon which this decree is based are as follows:

Petitioner, Brinkhoff, was enrolled at Oregon State University (hereinafter referred to as 'OSU' or 'That Rotten Fucking Place').

Petitioner Brinkhoff did successfully graduate from the aforementioned Rotten Fucking Place in June, 1974.

During the preceding four years and subsequent twenty-three years petitioner Brinkhoff supported the Beavers alleged football team at peril to life, safety, health, and finances, to wit: Petitioner attended football games at Parker Stadium, at which expert testimony proves was and is substandard in comparison to most high schools. At said Stadium, Petitioner was required to consume sufficient quantities of liquor as to cause acute alcohol toxemia. This was required in order to avoid chronic and severe depression resulting from the lack of performance by the team at That Rotten Fucking Place. The combination of acute alcohol intoxication and the alleged Team's performance led to behavior that risked or resulted in arrest, fights and personal injuries, late submission of required school work, waking up outdoors in strange places, and emotional upset.

During the years Petitioner spent at OSU, defendant stated implied warranties that the football team would be successful, including false advertising and false claims about the presence of the 'Great Pumpkin', hereinafter referred to 'That Fat Rotten Fucker Who Should Have Stroked Out'.

In subsequent years Defendant has committed fraud in promising an improved team, hinted at bowl appearances, hired new coaches, advertised on radio and television, and printed patently false statements of assurance by each university President, Head Coach, and Athletic Director. As the evidence proves, the Team in fact performed like squealing piglets on Nitrous Oxide. As Exhibit 23A shows, the Team was rejected for entry in the Special Olympics, it having been determined that they would lose to a team consisting of blind nine-year-olds with Spinal Bifida.

NOW THEREFORE Plaintiff argues for substitution of school loyalty rights by adoption of Washington State University, hereinafter referred to as "Cougs" or WSU. Petitioner submits the following briefs and underwear in support of this request:

||| Plaintiff has moved a college freshman hundreds of miles to campus, earning the right of surrogate parent and 'school dad.'

||| Plaintiff has traveled hundreds of miles on numerous occasions through interminable wheat fields for the express purpose of attending football games.

||| WSU is a responsible surrogate school, inasmuch as, like OSU, WSU is a backwatercow college specializing in chemistry and agriculture. It is acceptably free of post-hippy influence and seedy moral character, unlike
U of O.

||| WSU consistently produces football teams which are not nationally ridiculed.  The annual Apple Cup is an acceptable alternative to the Civil War inasmuch as the washington state huskies are at least as hated as the
u of o ducks.

THIS COURT DECREES 'WSU' IN LOCO PARENTIS FOR PLAINTIFF; AND THAT ALL OSU RECORDS, SCHOOL TIES, MENTION OF, RIDICULE CONCERNING, AND ANY MEMORY OF ATTENDANCE AT SAID SCHOOL BE STRICKEN AND REMOVED FROM THE PLANET. DEFENDANT HAS FORFEITED THE RIGHT TO EXPECT LOYALTY BY CAUSING EXTREME DURESS THROUGH INCOMPETENCE AND NEGLECT. go cougs

Dated This        Day of            , 19        

Joseph a. whipner, Presiding