KILL DR. LAURA !

If you haven't listened to Dr. Laura Schlesinger (in Portland, KGW, 620 AM, 1-3PM) this rant will make no sense. (In fact, it may make no sense even if you do listen to her...) I'll preface this by admitting that I agree with a lot of what the good Doctor has to say. I won't even side with the detractors who hate her stand on the issues. But, as the Spice Girls can murder a good tune, or a few scumbag TV preachers can mangle the Bible, Dr. Laura has the unerring talent to make you feel like you are listening to fingernails being raked across a blackboard at 160 decibels, even when saying what you might otherwise like to hear.

I don't mind killing the messenger, or in this case the Schlesinger.

Smarmy, pious, egotistical, blind to anyone's viewpoint but her own, one wonders if she slept through the considerable part of her academic training that dealt with communicating with people. [On further reflection, however, she never had to spend so much as a single hour in psych classes, because her degree is in physiology. May as well ask your car mechanic for advice......].

Here's a sample of what I hear each time I tune in:

Dr. Laura (after the annoying intro seventies-retro disco music - Oooh, Oooooh Oooooh Oooooooooh, I've got a New Attitude..."):

Hi, I'm Dr. Laura, I'm my kid's mom and I'm perfect. Let me read you a fax I got this morning. It's got some complimentary things to say about me personally, but I'll leave those parts out, because just mentioning them is enough to let you know the sender thinks I'm swell, while at the same time allowing me to appear humble by not actually reading them. The person who faxed this said, 'Dr. Laura, I had a moral dilemma. My daughter, who is 27, kissed a boy last night. My wife said that kissing at age 27 was a normal thing to do, but after listening to you I realized that physical contact of any kind before marriage was a sin and a sign of weak moral character and bad parenting. So, we killed her. Thank you, Dr. Laura, I was my kid's dad'. Now, I thought his method was a little extreme, but upholding one's morals has to be done with deeds, not words. I'm sending him a 'I was my kid's dad' T-shirt to the state penitentiary. OK, let's take a call. Marcie, welcome to the program.

Marcie: Hi, Dr. Laura. First, I just wanted to say that I'm my kid's mom.

Dr. Laura: Excellent. You get a T-shirt and a cookie. Now, what's your question for me?

Marcie: Here's my moral dilemma. My husband and I...

Dr. Laura: Did you live together before you were married?

Marcie: Well, that's not why I called but, yes, we did for a few months. Anyway, my problem is...

Dr. Laura: Hey, it's my show, so I get to decide what's important, and what's important here is that you had a shack job. You know, it always amazes me to listen to people who have all these problems who lived together before making a commitment to lead a moral life by the sacred ritual of holy matrimony but only after dating for not less than two but not more than five years. Sigh. Well, you didn't listen to me and messed up your life because you didn't read my book, 10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives. Go ahead, tell me your inevitable problems and we'll try to salvage the wreckage.

Marcie: Uh, well, our son....

Dr. Laura: So, how old is the Boonchkin? [Editor's note: Use of the word 'Boonchkin' is grounds for immediate vigilante death].

Marcie: Derek is three, and I just can't get him to stop wetting the bed. We've tried rewards and punishment, and medicine, and just can't seem to make it stop.

Dr. Laura: Oh, PUH-LEEZE! I have a son named Derek who would be Pope by now if he wasn't Jewish and only 12, and we never had that problem. We're such good parents that when our Derek was two, we didn't have to say or do anything. He was eating his mush one morning and said (this is so precious) "Mom, part of leading a moral life is honoring your parents, and I am going to start by honoring you and Dad by never peeing my sheets, ever." I'm sorry, I'm the crying-est person alive (sniffle) and I get choked up every time I think about it. I don't understand people like you who refuse to take responsibility for their child's welfare. We Jewish people have had 4,000 years of suffering to work out these problems. Did I mention I am Jewish and have suffered 4,000 years of suffering? I mean, I wasn't born Jewish, I converted to Judaism as a mature adult, but that doesn't mean that I can't claim the effects of 4,000 years of suffering, as I do on each and every show.

Marcie: Well, we thought we could get some ideas from the day care provider who we leave Derek with one day per month, and.....

Dr. Laura: Wait a minute. Hold the phone. You mean to tell me you leave you precious son with a total stranger ONE DAY EACH MONTH? YOU SHOULD BE SHOT! I just can't go on with this call. I'm sorry, dear, I can't help you. Your child's life is probably ruined, while you go about your selfish behavior. Your son will probably grow up to be a peeing crack addict, and you'll wonder why this happened. Now, go take on the day, idiot.

.........................

In reality, it is a law of nature that little Derek Schlesinger is the one who will inevitably rebel against the straightjacket, puppet-like, cardboard existence that is jammed down his throat. I am willing to bet a month's pay that when he is 15, Derek will sneak into his mother's bedroom after watching "Psycho" for the thousandth time, covered with death-head tattoos, reeking of cheap tequila and wearing women's clothes, and will fatally club Dr. Laura with a nine-iron while screaming "GO TAKE ON THE DAY REDRUM GO TAKE ON THE DAY REDRUM GO TAKE ON THE DAY...."