http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cove/5680
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Vol. : Eternal No.: Infinite |
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3:30 AM (History Channel) Little Known Pillow Fights of WWII, Part XXI. As Hitler plans his final push into Stalingrad, partisans step up goose down production for pillows of mass destruction.
3:35 AM (ESPN) Girls of the Abs-Pecs-Flex machines. Bridget, Candy, and some steroidal dude buff their muffs for closet perverts on overpriced machines with weird tubes and stuff that will either break or choke you to death.
3:40 AM (Lifetime) "Sensitivity Showcase: The Barbie Stepford Story". Wife learns delinquent bulimic daughter has incurable disease-of-the-week, and joins her sixth support group because she gets no emotional sustenance from secretly gay husband who is bravely using experimental AIDS vaccine, while testifying to Congress about the need to fund more research into incurable diseases-of-the-week.
3:45 AM (Home Shopping Channel). Hummel Humdinger!! Special sale on teeny, hilariously tacky figurines depicting Cherubs and Fritos.
3:50 AM (ESPN II) TrashSports '97. Bridget, Candy and some steroidal dude demonstrate spandex lawn bowling.
3:55 AM (Home Shopping Network) Junk Jewelry Jamboree.
4:00 AM (KATU) Paid Programming. Psychic Parasites.
Washed-up, slime-pond recording has-been Dionne Warwick asks her
"certified professional" psychics why they didn't predicted the
dumpster-dive her career took.
4:05 AM (MTV) Real (Stupid) World. Vapid, desperately middle-class, inarticulate, Gen-Zero losers are thrown together in a rental house in a vain attempt to be too hip and demonstrate shocking lack of talent in high-tech fields such as Gangsta Rap. Sample dialogue: "Uhhh, Bonzo, you're just too, you know, uncool."
"Uhhhh, whatever".
"We're throwing you out of the house."
"Cool."
4:10 AM (Discovery) Mating Rituals Of the Dead Sea Slug (3 hours).
4:15 AM (Cable Access) Castro Oil. 312th rerun of panel discussion of 50-ish ponytailed Radical Welfare Recipients Against The Air War In Nicaragua. This year's topic is the proven CIA/Portland Police conspiracy to send tainted welfare cheese to Libya.
4:20 (KPTV) Paid Programming. Make A Jillion Dollars Working 10 Minutes A Week !!! Slick, blow-dried youngster has tapes, will sell. Invest in vague business placing ads in unnamed newspapers to sell unknown products that somehow involves anonymous people calling 900 numbers and sending you vast amounts of money and your own 60-foot yacht.
4:25 AM Pay-Per-View (Adult). "Romancing The Bone". Closed-Captioned. Unemployed L.A. waitress and parking attendant are paid $100 to simulate boring, embarrassing sex, using only five words of dialogue in two hours: "Oh baby" and "You're SO big!".
4:30 AM (KGW) Paid Programming. "Women are from Mars, men are from Uranus". Has tapes, will sell. Counselor tells you in thirty minutes how to fix a 20 year-old dysfunctional, abusive, horror-filled relationship between two totally incompatible assholes.
4:35 AM (Home Shopping Network) Voodoo Doll sale.
4:40 AM (CNN) Senate Somnabulism. Testimony, more testimony, and yet still more eye-glazing testimony from some Senate subcommittee hearing on something or other, possibly having to do with nuclear disarmament. Or maybe subsidies to eradicate the Northern Boll Weevil.
4:45 AM (MTV) John Denver: Really Unplugged.
4:50 AM (Trinity Broadcasting) Catholic Hour. Mother Severe prays the rosary 1,518 times and gives you a video knuckle-rap with a ruler.
Just shoot me.......